Reprise: why am I so easily cast aside? Nuff said...

look for me @ mallemerok.wordpress.com

how about if I fulfill my own needs and many of my desires, but get some desires fulfilled with others?

to want to know what it is about me that makes it so easy to dismiss me, disregard me, cast me aside?

I don't think that I want too much,
but I do think that I want too hard,
and as long as I want that hard nothing's likely to happen.
If/when I can stop wanting so hard, then maybe all kinds of doors might open, all sorts of things could happen...

So, I've been "seeing" a number of different people in the last year and a half or so; at one point I was seeing 5 people for a while (maybe a bit too much of a good thing?). They've been good, caring relationships for the most part, I've had a lot of fun, had a lot of new experiences, I've learned a lot, and the emotions that I've had have run the gamut (what IS that anyway?).

Lately I've been feeling the neeed for more. I'm not saying that I want to get married, or live with someone, or have an exclusive, monogamous relationship. I wouldn't rule such things out (never say never), however I'm not looking for that and I can't imagine those scenarios at this point in my life.

What I wish I could have is a primary relationship. Someone who wants me as much as I want them. I would come first with them, and they would come first with me. Someone who would want to be in almost daily contact at least by phone, email, text, etc. Someone who would call or write to me first sometimes. Someone who I would see a couple of evenings a week, a lunch or two, an overnight pretty much once a week, a whole day a couple of times a month, a whole weekend most months, periodic long weekend getaways, and even a real vacation together maybe once a year. Someone who would want to check in with me when making plans, someone who would want to share the important things happening in their life.

The really tricky thing, the thing that makes this so difficult, is that it needs to be someone I love and who loves me back, someone I like spending time with, someone who shares common interests, someone who can converse deeply on any number of topics, someone who can share mutually, someone who is secure and self-confident, someone who is open minded and enjoys new experiences, someone who kisses well and gives a good foot rub (good indicators for other important things).

That's not asking too much, is it?

fill in the blank.....

bet you thought I'd say crazy, huh?

I'm good at making friends, I'm good at filling up the time, I'm good at having fun, I'm good at putting on a happy face, I'm good at making others feel better

but, at the end of the day, I still go home to an empty house

Nights are hard, holidays suck

still alone after all these years

it's not a show
it's my life
now
slippery slope
deep hole
don't want to
go away
again
don't know
if I
can
do it
again
never
been rejected
like this
don't
know how
to do
this
why
would anyone
care

change is inevitable, growth is optional
change is good
change is stressful
change is scary
change is fun
change is constant
change is hard
change is shitty
change is interesting
change is huge
change is overwhelming
change is beautiful
change is amazing
change is nurturing
change is hurtful
change is healing
change is seasonal
change is spiritual
change is work
change is play
change is sweet
change is sour
change is coming
change is looming
change is growing
change is shrinking
change is dieing
change is ending
change is beginning
change is continuing
change is dancing
change is my life

all in a day's work...

it sucks

tell me it'll get better

please

working on my resume

trying to sound positive

be positive

if I try hard enough maybe it'll come true

is it possible

to be happy

nights are always the hardest

for me

started taking the zoloft again

need the xanax

going back to therapy

feel like a failure

scared

terrified

tired